Someone once told me my life was something out of a movie.   That too much happened for just one person.  At the same time, it was terribly exciting and that they envied me.  I would have given anything to have a sane normal life.   Then again, I was never much for normal.




"Jess!!!!!  Breakfast!!" My mom's loud yells echoed through the corridor.   Great.  Another morning, another day of the same old thing.  Maybe something would happen today.   No, Jess, don't say things like that.  Things happen.  I mean they "happen" when you talk like that.  I got out of bed and looked in the mirror.  My hair was tangled and frizzy.  I tried to smooth out my black strands, but they just didn't want to get in order.   I gave up.  I just put it up in a pony tail and walked over to my closet, grabbed a pair of jeans and a tshirt.   I walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.  I looked into the mirror.  Great.   A zit was gonna pop up any day now.  Wonderful.  I spit out my toothpaste and started putting on my eyeliner.   My eyes looked exceptionally green this morning.  Almost cat like.  I went back to my room and put on my shoes.



"I'm gone mom!"

"But you didn't eat!!"

"I'm not hungry!!!!!!!!" I yelled as I slammed the door.



Something is gonna happen today. Stop saying that! But it is and you know it. Bullshit!



I continued walking down the quiet street.   It was such a nice day.  Fall was definitely here.  The leaves were orange and red.  Simply gorgeous.   A small breeze blew through my hair.  Made me shiver.  I reached into my side bag and pulled out my black knit sweater.  



I continued down the quiet street and reached the little café at the corner.   I walked in and order a spiced pumpkin coffee.  I walked over to a table and just watched the people walk by.   I wonder where they're going.  I looked up and noticed that the day was slowly changing.  The sky was turning gray.   Great.  Rain.  And I have no umbrella.  A flash of lighting appeared followed by the roll of thunder.   Sure enough huge drops started falling from the sky.  People scattered around trying to keep away from the rain.   Women opened up newspapers thinking that would do anything.  People sure are funny.  I just settled myself in the chair, enjoying the rain hitting the window.



About an hour later I decided it was time to leave.   The rain hadn't let up, but the walk would be nice.  I left the café and walked down the street.  The next few hours are a blur.   I was walking down the sidewalk and I slipped on something.  I landed pretty hard on the cement.  The next thing I remember is waking up and seeing this man's face over me.   He was saying something but I didn't understand.  It was as if he was speaking in some other language.  I closed my eyes.  I'm so tired.  So very tired.  I drifted off….



I woke up with the biggest headache in the world.   I opened my eyes and found myself in a very strange room.  My eyes finally adjusted and I realized I was in the hospital.



"Oh honey you're ok!!!" my mom cried.   She walked over to me and gave me a hug



"What is going on?  Where am I?" I asked.   I really had no idea what was going on



"You had a mild concussion, honey.   Thanks to your boyfriend we got you here quickly.  What a nice sweet boy he is.  Why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend??"



Because I don't.  "I don't have a boyfriend, mom.   I have no idea who you're talking about."



"Oh it was this nice well mannered boy named Brandon.   Such a nice boy.  Handsome too!"



Great a handsome guy rescued me and I don't even know who or where he is.  Still…. i got a flash of a face looking at me…. he had brown hair.  A little tousled.  A little facial hair… piercing green eyes….  
  


A few hours later I was released.  I missed out on a whole day and came home with a bruise and a huge hospital bill.   As we were leaving I looked around to see if I could catch a glimpse of my hero, but no luck.  I got home and I crashed on my bed.   What the hell was that about?  I told you something was going to happen today. Stop it!  I don't want to hear it.   Your life is going to change.  Don't fight it. SHUT UP!!!!  Just leave me alone.  I don't want to hear it.   But there is no fighting it.  You see, ever since I was little I would get this voice in my head…not like someone else talking to me, but just myself telling me things.   And these things would come true.  I've never really told anyone about it.  I mean it sounds like I'm a tad crazy.   And I've felt like I've been crazy.  But I'm not.  I just have the ability to know things.   I mean really have an inkling of what might happen.  I just wish I could shut it out.

I sat up and went to the computer.  Checked my email.  Nothing interesting.   There's no point just moping around.  I grabbed my sweater, brushed my hair and left.  It's safer to drive I thought.   So I got in my car and drove off.

Fall festivals are a big thing where I'm from.  Everyone comes together and celebrates the season changing.   Lucky for tonight that horrible storm had passed and all it left behind was some fresh air.

I parked my car and made my way to the little street.    It sure was packed that nite.  The main street was covered in little booths selling different things. I stopped at this little booth that had knickknacks for Halloween.  I love Halloween.   I love everything about it.  I was walking around the booth, checking things when someone was shoved into me.  Of course having the luck I was having today, I was thrown on the floor. "FUCK:" I yelled.   I had had it.  It didn't take long before I had a little crowd of people around me.

"Are you ok?"

"What's going on?"

"Did someone trip?"

Yeah I obviously did.  Thanks for looking.

I started getting up when I saw a hand reaching out to help me

"Here.  Sorry about that.  My brothers are such morons." I got up and looked right into the most compelling eyes ever.

"Thanks…" I trailed off.  That face.  Why did it look so familiar?

"I guess I'm just your guardian angel today.  Are you ok?" he asked.

It was him.  It was the guy who rescued me earlier.

"Wow this isn't embarrassing at all.  I just wanted to thank you for earlier.   I don't remember anything, but my mom said that you were really great.  I'm Jess by the way." I extended my hand out to him.

"Brandon. How's your head?  And your hip I might add?"

"Fine thanks." Pause.  He sure was good lookin’. No doubt about it.  He was about 6 feet tall, had a nice build and just looked comfortable.  Wait what are you saying?  Have you lost your mind? Well he does.  

"Well I guess I should get going.  Thanks again for everything today" I said as I turned around and walked away.

"Wait, did you want to go grab a bite or something?  I could be wrong, but taking so many spills in a day can make someone hungry."

I laughed. "Sure.  That would be great."

We walked down the street away from the people, away from everything.   The air was cold and crisp.  This is the change you wanted.  This is it now.   Neither of us said anything.  We just walked in silence.  We continued to walk down the street and started to go down an alley.   All of a sudden he stopped.  He turned around and looked at me.  I felt my heart start racing.  He leaned over and kissed me.  Why am I kissing a guy I don't even know??  I should have pushed him away, but I didn't. It just felt so right.   He put his hands all over me.  What are you doing??? I didn't care.  He caressed my face.  He started moving his hand down when all of a sudden I couldn't breathe.  I felt like I was dying.  He was choking me.   What's going on?????  I felt that I was dying that was it…



I sat up gasping for air.  I was in my bed.  What happened?  I looked around.  I was home.   Why was I having these dreams?  Why was he trying to kill me?  Why now?   That night had happened 12 years ago.  But he didn't try to kill me.  It was such a great night.  I glanced at my husband.  Sleeping.  I got out of bed and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.



I was wide-awake now.  3:30am is what the microwave said.   Brandon.  It's been years since I've thought of him.  Brandon.  I wonder what he's up to.



We made out that night and we never grabbed that bite to eat.   He walked me home and kissed me goodnite.  I didn't want him to leave.  But he did.  I saw him a few times after that.   Always on his terms.  Things were great.  We were great together.  I never slept with him though.  He would say 'C'mon Jess,  don't you care about  me?   It'll be great I promise."  I would always say "No I can't.  I'm not ready.  Not now.   Isn't this nice?  Just this?"  He never made me feel bad about it.  But then when we last saw each other…it just wasn't fair.

I put the cup in the sink and walked back to bed.  The house was so quiet.   The boys were still off at camp.  It was so nice to have some time for myself.  I looked over at Ryan.  He looked so peaceful.  He would be up in an hour.  Has some sort of surgery to perform.  Ryan had become one of Boston's leading plastic surgeons in the past year.   It was great and all, but that just meant that he was never home.  And he had started to change as well.  Not in an obvious way, but subtly.  "Jess, maybe you should be going to the gym more often.  Your hips are starting to stick out a little."   "Yes dear."  Bullshit.  I looked fine.  Or it would be "You should stop frowning so much.   You're getting crows feet already.  You should really handle that."  Chipping away at my dignity.



But you have such a wonderful lifestyle.  Don't fuck it up!

No I wont.  I know not to do that.  That would mess everything up right?   The nice house.  The car.  The luxury.

But he's fucking around.  He's fucking that blond. That blond with the big tits.

Yes I know that.  Trust me I know.   Our sex life had become almost non-existent at this point.   And when it did exist, it was short lived.



"I feel like a little something tonite." Ryan said as he walked over to my side of the bed.

"My head is really hurting tonite.  I don't know if I'm up for it"

"It'll make it better.  I promise.  Where's your diaphragm?"

Sigh "It's in the bathroom."  He went into the bathroom and grabbed it.   He handed it to me and looked away.  I put it in.

"ok ready."

"Great!" And one, two, three, four.  That was it.   He must have fucked her today.  It's always up to four when he fucks her.  He got off me and went to go wash off.  

"Jess?  I heard they have an opening at the country club.   You should check it out.  Get in shape with all the wives there.  It would do wonders for you."

"I don't know Ryan.  I'm not much for country clubs.   The women there are so..so selfish."

He walked back over to the bed.

"Don't be stupid.  It would be great for you.   Besides, I'd like to have a great looking wife at the banquet dinner coming up."

Fuck you. "Yes dear"   
  
  
  


I was wide awake for quite some time.  I finally was able to doze off when his alarm went off.   He jumped out of bed and into the shower.  I just laid there wide awake.  And thought about Brandon.   What would I give to feel him.  To have his hands on me.  It's been so long.  I got myself worked up.   I got undressed and decided to join Ryan in the shower.  I opened the door to the shower and got in.

"What the hell are you doing in here?"

"I thought it would be fun to join you."

"Jesus Christ woman!  I have a surgery to get to.   I don't have time for this."

"But Ryan this can be fun"

"I don't give a shit about fun.  Get out and let me finish my shower" FUCK OFF YOU DICK!

Fine.  I got out and dried myself.   I got dressed and went back to bed.  

I wish I woulda fucked you Brandon.  Imagine calling him up.  

"Hello Brandon?  Hi it's Jess.  It's been a while I know.   Me?  I've been good.  And you?  Oh great great.   Hey listen.  I was thinking, I really wanna fuck you.  When would be good for you?   Today?  At 2pm?  Sounds great.  The motel by the highway 40?  Perfect.  I'll see you then.  Bye.

It didn't take me long to come just thinking about him.  God how real that dream was.  

I was done by the time Ryan got out.  He got dressed and left.  Stupid blond whore. Let her have him.  I don't really care.  
  
I looked at the clock.  5:50am.  Might as well get up.  I went to the  
kitchen and put on a pot of coffee.  I went to the fridge and started  
cutting up some fruit and made a fruit salad with cottage cheese.  The  
coffee stopped dripping and I poured myself a cup.  I turned on the  
t.v. and watched the morning news.  Nothing new.  Someone got  
murdered.   Another car chase.  Same thing everyday.   I finished my  
breakfast and turned off the t.v.  I went upstairs and took a shower.  
I got dressed.  The country club would be opening in 15 min.  Might as  
well go now and avoid seeing people I didn't want to see.  Everyone at  
that country club was something else.  It was full of money, full of  
arrogance and full of trophy wives.  So fake.  So plastic.  And Ryan  
wanted me to be that.  
  
  
I drove down the club and got there about 20 min later.  I went into  
the locker room and changed into my workout clothes.  I went to the  
gym and ran on the treadmill for about 30min.  That's when the  
vultures walked in.  Sarah and Debbie.  Both of them as vicious as the  
other.  Sarah's husband was a doctor and Debbie's a lawyer.  They had  
been friends since about high school and were inseparable.  Everything  
about both of them was fake.  My husband had done both their noses  
during Christmas.  A little gift from their husbands.  Not to mention  
the lipo, the collagen, the chin implant…  
  
I continued running, listening to my ipod ignoring them.  Too late.  
They had seen me.  
  
"Why hi there Jess.  How's it goin?"  
  
"Good.  How are you doing?" I said as I began to slow down my pace.  
I needed to get away from them.  Now.  
  
"Great!  Scott and I just bough ourselves a brand new house in the  
Hamptons.  The old one was such a bore!  You and Ryan must come and  
join us for the weekend.  Sarah is planning on buying near by.  
Property values are just sky rocketing.  You have to invest while you  
still can."  
  
"Seriously, Jess.  You guys need to come out there."  
  
"I'm not sure if it's going to work out this weekend."  
  
"Ryan already confirmed with Scott.  It will be a fabulous time.  
Just don't go around telling everyone. I really would hate for Wendy  
to find out.  Imagine the horror if she expected an invitation! Ugh I  
can already see it!  No no keep it to yourself.  Oh and you might want  
to try getting a new outfit  It's nothing but class out there.  Well  
we gotta run to our pilates class.  We'll see you around!"  
  
"Yeah great. Bye." Thanks for letting me know Ryan.  I have to fuckin  
deal with this all weekend.  
  
The drive up was suffocating.  I really felt like opening the door  
and just splattering on the highway.  
  
"We've talked about this Jess.  I am a very important surgeon now and  
I need to have an impeccable looking wife.  The procedure isn't very  
long and very safe.  I've done it a million times."  
  
"I'm not getting implants, Ryan.  I don't care what you say.  I am  
fine with what I have."  
  
"Well I'm not.  And that's my point.  Jesus Christ, Jessica.  You need  
to stop being such a selfish little girl and realize what's important.  
It's not about you.  This is my career.  My reputation."  
  
"And it's my body you're talking about.  I'm not going to degrade it!  
I've had enough of this Ryan!  I really have.  It hurts me."  
  
"Had enough?  HAD ENOUGH?  Of what?  Being at home, having everything  
on a silver platter?  Of never having to deprive yourself of things?  
Goddammit Jess, if I wasn't the type of man I am I would just…" He put  
has hand up as if though he was going to slap me.  I started crying.  
  
"Knock that off.  We're almost here. I don't want to hear anymore of  
your complaints."

I pulled down the visor and looked in the mirror.  I looked like shit.  I got a Kleenex out of my purse and wiped off the  smeared mascara.  I re-applied some concealer and put on more eyeliner.  There.  Pretty decent.  I looked over at Ryan and he was silent, staring straight ahead.  I wonder what he's thinking about...



We arrived at the club and were promptly greeted by Sarah and Scott.



"You're finally here.  What took you so long?" Sarah said as she gave us both kisses on the cheek.  Very European she claimed.



"Did you hit some traffic?  The ride should have been pretty smooth." Said Scott.



"No no.  Just a bit of a late start" answered Ryan as he looked over in my direction.



"Well let's go inside and get you situated.  There's so much to do! "  Sarah exclaimed as she hooked her arm to mine.



The inside was a lot worse than I had feared.  Everywhere you looked there were a ton of fake plastic people.  Doctors, attorney's, CEO's.  You name it, they were there.  It was my worst nightmare.  Suddenly I felt a little dizzy.



"Ryan...I don't feel very good.  I need to sit down"



"Jesus Christ Jess, not now.  Try to compose yourself" he whispered.



"Jess, are you alright??"  Scott asked as I held on the wall.  "Here sit down.  Sarah, get her some water."



"Attention whore."  I heard her say under her breath.



"I'm ok.  Really.  I just need to go lie down."



Scott walked me up to my room and said "Here take these 2 pills.  They'll make you sleep well.  Get some rest."  



I sat on the bed.  Great.  I wont hear the end of this.  I laid down on the bed.   I closed my eyes and I just listened to my breath.  What are you doing Jess??  What are you doing with your life?  Is this what you want????  No I don't want this...I just have no choice.  I got up, grabbed my bottled water and took the pills.  I closed the shades and went to sleep.....

“Jess, wake up.  You have to get ready for dinner.  We’re expected downstairs in an hr.”  Ryan said nudging me to get up.  

“Ok I’m up.”  I got out of bed and started getting dressed.  I wore a simple black short dress.  It was classy and maybe a tiny bit sexy.  Not that he’d notice anyway.  I brushed my hair and I started curling it.  Put on some dark eye shadow.  Perfect.

“Jess? Let’s go.”   

I grabbed my stilettos and grabbed my clutch.  We took the elevator downstairs.

The banquet room was huge.  There was an enormous glass chandelier hanging right in the center.  There were tables lined up with matching linens and plates.

“Ryan!!  Glad you could make it.  We were worried that you weren’t going to come with Jess not feeling good and all.” Debbie exclaimed

“Of course we’d be here.  We wouldn’t miss it.  Right, Jess?”  I just smiled.  I don’t want to be here.  I really really don’t.  What if I were to turn around and run….run away and never come back??  What would happen?

“Ryan, I would like you to meet some of our other new members.  Ryan Douglas, this is Brandon Montgomery.  He is one of our newest members and also from Oakridge county.  You really should consider moving out here Ryan.  Brandon will tell you…..” Scott continued but I trailed off.   No it couldn’t be him could it??  But those eyes….those green eyes.  And then he looked at me.  He looked at me in that way, and with a smirk on his face.  It was him!!  Shit!  I looked away.  I wish I could disappear…

“Brandon, this is my wife Jessica, and I’m sure you know everyone else here.  Would you care to sit with us?”

  
”Thank you for the offer, but I already have a table.  Ryan, it was nice meeting you.  I’m sure I’ll see you around.  Jess, it was nice meeting you too.  I’ll see you guys around tonight.”  And with that he walked away.  Don’t leave!  Please don’t leave!  Of course I was only yelling that in my head.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. I remember eating dinner, hearing talk about buying yachts and sail boats.  At one point  Sarah walked over and said “Oh Ryan you have to have a dance with me.  That is of course if Jess doesn’t mind.” “No of course go have fun” I answered.  Take him for all I care.  The table cleared out and I was left alone to just sit and watch.

“Do you want to dance?”  Asked a voice behind me.  I turned around and it was Brandon.  God he was handsome.  He hadn’t changed.   

“I thought it was you.  I just wasn’t sure.”

“Do you want to dance?” He asked again.  He reached for my hand, and I took it.  He led me to the dance floor.  Just as we got there, a slow song  started playing.  He put his arm around my waist and we started dancing.  I couldn’t look at him.  I had so many emotions running through my head.  Was I angry?  Was I happy?  No you’re hurt.  He left you.  And you never knew why.

“Why did you leave me?” I blurted out.  I didn’t think about it.  I just said it.  “Why did you leave me?”

“Because I didn’t know any better.  I was a stupid kid back then.  Jess, trust me, that was the biggest fuckin’ mistake of my life.  When I came back I looked for you.  But you were already engaged to him.  There was nothing I could do.  So I tried to move on.”

“Did you move on?”  I asked hopeful that he hadn’t.

“I had to.  But believe me Jess, it was hard.  I had never felt about someone the way I felt about you.  You were amazing.  There was truly no one else like you.”

I didn’t say anything.  What should I say?  Tell him the truth??  My life is miserable.  I hate my marriage, I hate my husband and there are days I just want to die.  Why did you come back?  Why are you in my life??

“Have lunch with me tomorrow.  Tell me about your life.  I want to know everything since I left.”

“Why?”

“Because.  You were a huge part of my life.  I lost you once, I don’t want to lose you again.  I want to be a part of it.”  I paused.  What should I say??  Should I agree to it??  Should I stay away from him??  My heart started racing.  I should probably say no.  What are you talking about?  Yes see him.  Don’t let go of him again.

“Tomorrow sounds great.  What time?”

“How about 1pm?  I’ll meet you at the Bistro on 4th and Main.  Does that sound good?”

“Sure.  That sounds wonderful.”  He let go of my waist.

“Perfect.”  He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.  Then he whispered “I’m not going to lose you again.  I swear on that.”  And he walked away.  What did that mean?? Surely he means as a friend…right??  What else could it mean?  It means he’s not playing games anymore.  He’s ready and he’s not going to go down without a fight.  No that can’t be it.  Could it?

I walked over to the table and sat down.  I really don’t remember much of the rest of the night…something about polo tournament, something about the dangers of botox and my husband getting upset….

I went to bed that night really confused.  More confused than I’ve ever been in my life I think.  What would happen with him in my life again?  He hurt me once before, why would him being in my life now be any good?  No no, it’s just lunch.  Nothing else.  Why would there be something else?  I couldn’t sleep most of the night.  I was finally able to drift off when I heard my Ryan leave for work.  I woke up and felt great.  I really needed that rest.  I looked at the clock.  11:42am.  What??!!  I dashed out of bed and jumped in the shower.  Shit.  I’m running late!  I got out of the shower and quickly got dressed.  I put on a sleeveless white sundress with green flower print on it.  It had a high waist with a white belt.  I started blow drying my hair and prayed that it would dry without frizzing.  I quickly applied some makeup.  Good enough I suppose.   

I looked at the clock.  12:25pm.  Ok good.  I can slow down now.  I walked to my closet and put on my green strappy wedge sandals.  It looks good I think.  What do you mean you think?  You look amazing and you know it.  He’ll think so too.  Who cares what he thinks?  I’m just having lunch.  With a friend.  Nothing else.  That’s bullshit and you know it.

I left the house at 12:45pm and got to the bistro with 5 minutes to spare.  I walked inside and he wasn’t there yet.  I walked over to the host.

“Table for 2 please.”

“Sure right this way.”  He led me outside to a corner table.  “Something to drink while you wait?”

“Just a water with lemon thanks.”  He walked away.  Why am I so nervous?  I just don’t understand it….  I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t notice when he sat in front of me.  I felt someone looking at me and so I was startled when I realized he was there.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare ya there.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were there!”

The waiter came by and put down 2 cups of water.  “I’ll give you a few minutes to look over the menu”

“I heard that their club sandwich is really good here” Brandon said.

“Hm…that does sound good.  I think I’ll have that.  What are you going to get?”

“ I think I’ll follow your lead and get that as well” he answered.  Then he just paused and looked at me.  I looked down.  I felt like a teenager again.  Why did he do that to me?

Our waiter came back.  “Are you guys ready to order?”

“yes we are.  We are both getting the club sandwich.”

“And to drink for you sir?”

“I’ll have a coffee.”

“Thank you” the waiter said as he took our menus.  We sat in silence for a few minutes.  Brandon was the first to break that silence.

“So how’ve you been, Jess?  How’s your life been?”

“It’s been good, great.  Couldn’t be better”  I smiled.

“That’s bullshit.  How have you really been?”

“What do you mean that’s bullshit?  How can you say for me?”

“I can tell that’s all.  So be honest with me.  How have you been?”  What is he doing????

“Brandon, I’m fine.  I don’t know what you want to hear, but I’m really ok.  Life has been good to me and...” he cut me off

“You’re too skinny.”

“What?”

“You’re too skinny.  Is that his idea?”  I was really mad at that point

“What are you doing, Brandon?  What do you want from me?”

“The truth.”

“Fuck you, Brandon.  I don’t know what you’re doing,” I said as I stood up, “but I’m not dealing with this.”  I started walking away but he grabbed my arm.

“Jess, I’m sorry.  You’re right. I’m being a jerk.  I apologize.  Sit with me.  I’ll knock it off.”  I stood there and just looked at him.  And I believed him.  He was sorry.

“Fine.” I said as I sat down.  “So what did you want?  Why did you want to see me today?”

“Because I want you back in my life.  I told you last night,  I want to be a part of it.”

“What are you doing nowadays?” I asked.

“Working hard.  That’s pretty much it.”

  
”Where do you work?”

“I work for a production company.  I’m a producer.”

“Wow that’s great.  How’s that going for you?”

“Pretty good.  Make good money, but I don’t get to sleep a lot.”  He smiled.  He looks so good when he smiles.

I laughed “yeah I bet!”

“Jess, tell me the truth, you’re unhappy aren’t you?”

“Brandon, why do you keep asking me that?”

“I know you.  I know you so well.”

“How can you possibly know me?  I haven’t seen you in years.  I was such a girl back then.”

“I know you’re not like them.  I know that you’re not a part of that world your husband belongs to.  Why did you marry him?”

I didn’t answer him.  I looked away.  He put his hand on my chin and moved my face in his direction. “Why did you marry him?” he asked again.

“Because unlike you, Ryan was there for me.  He didn’t leave me.”  I didn’t realize how bitter I was until I said it.

“I really hurt you didn’t I?”  I didn’t want to answer him.  I didn’t want him to know how I felt.  What was the point?  All that was in the past.  Again, I sat in silence.  Luckily our food came and I was able to not answer him.  We ate our food and didn’t really say anything.  


“Wow this sandwich is really good.  You were right!” I said enthusiastically.  He laughed. After that the mood picked up a little.  He told me about some of the films he worked on and where he had traveled.  I told him about my background in art history and about some of the amazing pieces of work I had been able to see in person.

“This is the Jess I know.  Full of life, full of excitement.  That’s what makes you so unique.”

“Thanks.  That’s really nice of you to say.”  And I meant that.  It had been a while since I had heard a compliment from someone.  Especially a guy.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” He asked.  I looked at the time.  Was it a good idea to go with him?  As if he was reading my mind he said “It’ll be fun, I promise.”

“Alright” I said and I got up as he left the money for our food on the table.  I was about to start to complain about him not paying for me when he cut me off “It’s on me. It’s the very least I can do.”  
  


It was a beautiful day.  The sun was out, there were a few clouds in the sky, and there was a slight breeze.  It was a warm day, but warm enough to where it was comfortable. We walked down main street a few feet away from each other, not really saying anything.  We walked by the park and we started walking towards that direction.  We continued to walk until we reached a little bench a little secluded by some trees.  He walked up to it and sat down.  I followed him, but I just stood in front of it.

“What made you decide to move back to Boston?” I asked.  I really did wonder why he came back.

“It’s home.  I loved living in LA, but deep down inside, I’ll always be an East Coast kind of guy.”  He answered.  

“So what are you doing now?  I mean I know you work in films, but what else are you doing?  Are you seeing anyone or anything?”

“On and off.  I was in a steady relationship for 4 years and that just ended so I’m not really in any rush to get back into another one.”  He paused.  “That is of course unless I find the person who is right for me.  Then I wouldn’t be stupid enough to let go of her.”  He grabbed my hand and started pulling me “Come sit down with me.”  So I did.  I sat next to him.  He started caressing my hair, brushing it out of my face.   

“What are you doing?” I asked.  I felt my heart race.

“That seems to be the question of the week doesn’t it?”

“I’m serious, Brandon.  What are you doing?”  He dropped his hand and looked down.

“Quite frankly, I don’t know.  Look, Jess, I don’t have any intention of coming into your life and ruining what you have.  At the same time, I know that you’re not happy and I know that you feel for me the way that I am feeling for you right now.  When I saw you at the country club I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.  There you were, just like before.  But the closer I looked, the more I realized you were different.  You were cold, unhappy, miserable.  Just watching you interact, it was obvious that this wasn’t Jess.  This was someone who was beginning to lose themselves.”

“What makes you think you know so much about me?  Brandon, I dated you such a long time ago.  We were kids.  We weren’t together that long.  Yet you think you can come back and have some deep understanding of who I am?”

“It might have been a long time ago, and we might have been young, but don’t ever belittle what we had.  I fuckin’ loved you.  And I know you loved me too.”

  
”If you loved me so much, why did you just take off?”

“Because I couldn’t cope with it.  I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“How is that any kind of justification?”

“It’s not.  I know it’s not.  But it’s the truth.  Jess, when I was with you, everything was fine.  There could be no wrong.  I know you were for me…but then I freaked out.  I thought that I would be throwing my life away if I just stayed and not really experience what was out there.  I couldn’t stay in Boston forever.”  He paused.  “I’m back now though.  And I’m here to stay.  No more messing around.  Jess, I told you earlier and I’ll say it again, I want you in my life.”  He leaned over and stopped inches away from me face.  “But if you don’t want me in it, tell me now and I’ll leave you alone.”  I didn’t say anything.  I wanted to, but I couldn’t. He put his hand back on my face and pulled my face towards him.  He kissed me and I couldn’t pull away.  I was yelling at myself to pull away.  This was wrong.  I am married!!  But I didn’t listen.  How long had it been since I felt that?  I wanted to climb on top of him, I wanted to feel his body against mine…to feel the warmth that I hadn’t felt in such a long time.  He pulled away and reality set in.

“Brandon I…”  

“Jess, I want you.  I want you to be with me.  Fuck your husband.  You want me and I know it.”

  
”I can’t do this,” I said as I stood up.  “You can’t do this to me.  My life is how it’s suppose to be.  You can’t come in a ruin it!  Don’t do this to me again, Brandon.  Leave me alone.  I really don’t ever want to see you again!”  I turned around and walked away.  I felt the hot tears streaming down my face.  He called after me, but I didn’t turn around.  I didn’t want him to see me like that.

I walked back to the Bistro parking lot and I got in my car.  I looked in the mirror and I tried adjusting my makeup.  I had developed a knack for being able to adjust tearstained eyeliner.  Ryan always had a way of making me cry and somehow I ended up apologizing in the end.  One of the first times it had happened was when we were still dating.  I was a sophmore in college and he had already graduated.  We were going to meet with some of his college buddies at a bar.  I had never met anyone from his life up to that point.

“They’ll love you.  You’re gonna get along just fine.”

“I hope so.  I’m so glad I finally get to meet and know another part of your life.” I said.  He hadn’t introduced me to anyone in his life and so I was very excited to find out about this mysterious life of his.  We had been together for about 6 months and we were getting serious.

We got to the bar and a group of guys and girls were standing around outside.

“Where the fuck have you been?” one guy yelled out.  “we’re freezin’ our asses off!”

“Sorry.  I got out of the office late and then I had to stop by and pick Jess up.”

“Well Jesus fuckin’ Christ, let’s go inside.”   

We walked inside and squeezed our way to the bar.  He said hi to all his friends and I just hung to his arm, hoping to be included.  He had struck up a conversation about an operation he had been able to sit in on when this redhead walked in and yelled across the room “Ryan!!!!!  There you are!”  she pushed her way through the crowd and walked towards us.  “Ryan how you been?  It’s been to long!”  He let go of my arm and gave her a hug.  “I’ve missed you,” she said and then she leaned over and kissed him on the lips.  “Some things never change,” she laughed.  I just froze.  I couldn’t believe what I had seen.  “Excuse me,” I said as I pushed my self through the crowd and walked out.  Ryan followed me.

“Jess wait up.  Jessica!  Hold on a minute.”  He yelled.  But I ignored him.  How dare he?  How dare he do that?  I was halfway down the block when he caught up to me.  “What is the matter with you?”  he asked.   

“What’s the matter with me?  Did a girl not just come up to you and kiss you and you just stood there holding her?  And you still have the nerve to ask what’s wrong with me?”  I turned to keep walking, but he pulled my arm.  Hard.

“Knock that shit off.  Vanessa is an old friend of mine.  I’ve known her for years.  She’s like a sister to me.  I don’t want any of that jealous bullshit.  I don’t have time for it.  You either trust me or you don’t.  I’m not interested in anyone else and I’m not cheating on you.  I will say this once and only once. I love you and I want to be with you.  Let’s go back inside and try to apologize for the scene you created.  I’m sure it wasn’t fun for them to watch.  I don’t want them to think that this is the kind of girl you are.”  Tears were streaming down my face.  They were tears of anger rather than tears of sadness.  I pulled my mirror out of my purse and tried fixing my makeup.

“Are you coming, Jess?”   

“I need a minute.  I’ll meet you inside.”  He walked away.  Was he telling the truth?  He’s lying.  He’s lying and you know it.  Now’s your time to run.  Don’t deal with this.  He’s not lying.  Why should he lie?  I walked back to the bar.  When I walked in, Vanessa had practically wrapped herself around Ryan, giggling like a little girl.   

“Jess, welcome back.  I’d like you to meet Vanessa.  Vanessa, this is Jess.” He said as he tried to scoot her off of him.

“Hi” she said uninterested.  She turned back and looked at Ryan.  “I didn’t know that you liked brunettes.  I always thought you were into the more exotic types,” she purred.  She looked back at me. “Do you want a drink?”

“Sure” I said.  I wanted to get plastered at that point.  I walked to the bar and had some tequila shots.  No foolin’ around.  I wanted to be gone.  I took about four when I realized that I no longer cared about what was going on.  The rest of the evening was better.  His other friends Scott and Robert were a lot friendlier than the rest.  The stayed with me for the rest of evening as if though they were protecting me.  Ryan on the other hand had his hands full.  Literallly.  Vanessa would not let him out of her grip.  She constantly through herself at him and he never once complained.

I finally had enough at about 2:30am.  I walked over to Ryan and I told him “Honey, I’m  ready to go now.”  But he ignored me.  “Ryan?”  I said again and this time I got a very abrupt “What?!”.

“I’m ready to go now” I said again.

“And I’m not.  Why don’t you take a cab home? I”ll cover the cost.”  He stood up and gave me a very polite kiss on the cheek.  I’ll give you a call in the morning.  He grabbed my arm and led me outside.  “I’ll talk to you tomorrow” he said and walked back inside, leaving me alone.  I settled myself into my jacket.  It was freezing.  It was mid November and you could feel the snow about to fall.  I stood outside, trying not to trip over my own feet, looking for a taxi.   

“Need some help?” said a voice behind me.  I turned around and saw Scott.  He somehow looked so handsome right then.  Maybe it was the alchohol.

  
”Just a little” I said smiling weakly.  He walked into the street and whistled a cab over to me.  “Where are you heading?” he asked.

“Over to Pennsylvania and Maple.” I said.

  
”Do you mind if we share a cab?  I’m over at Maple and Salem.”

“I don’t mind.  The company might be nice.”  I answered.  We got in the cab.

“Where to?” the cabbie asked.

  
”Pennsylvannia and Maple” answered Scott.  And the cabbie drove away.  It was quite at first and it was freezing.  The cabbie heard me sniffle.

“Sorry ‘bout that.  The heater’s busted.”   

“It’s ok” I answered.   

“Here” Scott said as he put his arm around me trying to warm me up.  “I should have brought my scarf,” I told him, “but Ryan didn’t think that I should be all covered up.  Afterall, I was meeting his friends for the first time.  I needed to impress them any way I could.  His words not mine.”  I was still really drunk.  Otherwise I wouldn’t be telling a complete stranger that.

“Jess?  Do you mind if I ask you something?”   

“Ask anything you want. I am an open book.”

“Why do you deal with Ryan’s stupidity?  Does that matter to you?”

“Of course it matters.  But what do I know? I’m only 24.  And as everyone puts it, he’s quite a catch.  Besides, I don’t know any better. I’m young and still in college.  His words not mine.”

“That’s a shitty thing to say to someone.”

“Yeah I know.  But afterall, he’s a doctor.  And I’m an art major.  So I guess he knows more that I do.”  The cab stopped.  We were on my block.  “It’s that brownstone on the right.”  I got out of the cab.  “Thanks for the company, Scott.  It was nice meeting you.”  I looked in my purse for my keys and I ended up dropping everyting on the floor. “Shit!” I said as I bent down and started picking everything up.  I was too busy concentrating on making sure there was nothing on the ground that I didn’t notice that Scott was bent down helping me.  I looked up and the cab was driving away.

“Where’s your cab going?” I asked.

“I wanted to make sure you got home safely.  I’ll walk you to your door.”

“You really don’t have to do that, Scott.  I’m ok.”  I obviously wasn’t.  He enterlocked his arm into mine and asked “Where to miss?”  I giggled.  “Up those stairs.  It’s the only apartment on the top.  He walked with me.  I took out my keys and tried putting the key in the lock, but failed miserably.   

“Here.  Let me help you” he said as he took my key and put it in the lock.  I walked in and turned on the light.  The apartment was a small studio with hardwood floors. I had a few drawings scattered around the floor and on my small couch.  I walked over to my bed and just lied down.  I closed my eyes and I felt the room spin.  I sudden felt tired….very very tired.

I woke up a bit later and found myself lying in my bed, in my pjs and tucked in.  I felt confused because I had no recollection of ever changing.   I sat up and felt my head ready to explode.  It was still dark and that just made everything so much more confusing.  I turned on the light on my nightstand.  I turned to see what time it was, when  I noticed someone asleep on my couch.  I freaked out for a moment.  Who was that?  I got out of bed and I got a closer look.  Then I realized it was Scott.   He was fast asleep, squished on my little couch.  What was he doing there?  He must have felt me looking at him because he opened his eyes.

“Is everything ok?”  he asked.  He has concern in his voice.

“Eveything is fine” I said my voice really hoarse.  “I just don’t remember anything I didn’t realize you were staying here.”

“Oh, sorry about that.  You said it was fine….but I guess you really didn’t know what was going on.”  He sat up.  “I can leave now.  It’s not a problem.  I just wanted to make sure you were safe.”

“No don’t go.  I do feel safer with you here.  It’s ok.  Spend the night.”  He layed back down.  I walked back over to my bed.   I started to lie down again, when I looked over at Scott.  He looked so uncomfortable on that couch.  I must have still been drunk. “Scott?  You don’t have to stay on that little couch.  You can lie down with me if you want.”

“I’m not sure that’s ok” he said.  He sounded concerened.

“Scott” I said as I looked at the clock, “It’s 4:47am.  I’m really tired and I feel kinda sick.  If you want to stay on that little couch, be my guest.  But if you want to actually get some rest, then feel free to lie down with me.”  I layed down, turned off the light and went to sleep.

I woke up very hessitantly the next morning.  I looked at the clock.  11:36am.  Thank goodness it was a Saturday.  I put the covers over my head again when I felt something warm next to me.  I looked up and saw Scott fast asleep.  I smiled.  He was such a nice guy.  So caring.  I saw him stir a little bit and he rolled over and faced me.  He was awake.

“Hi” he said.

“Hey.”

“Crazy night huh?”

“Yeah I guess so.”  I stayed quiet.  The reality of the night started to sink in.  What was I doing in bed with a guy I hardly knew?  And to make it worse, he was my boyfriend’s friend.  “Look, Scott, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me.  I don’t know if it was a good idea for you to stay here.  I don’t know what Ryan’s gonna think.  I don’t…” but he intereupted.   

“I was helping a friend out.  I wasn’t going to leave you alone last night.  Ryan might have, but I wasn’t going to.”  He sat up.  “You’re a neat girl, Jess.  He’s lucky to have you.”  He leaned over and kissed my forehead.  Take care and I’ll see you around.  And no more tequila for you.” He said as he got up and walked out the door.  How strange.  A guy I hardly knew showed more warmth than Ryan ever had in the 6 months we had been together.  


I drove back to the house and thought about my afternoon.  How dare Brandon be so forward!  Who did he think he was coming back here and kissing me like that?  What if someone had see us?  What would have happened then?  But thenagain, why was I so angry.  Because you liked it.  Because you wanted
it to happen.  No that's not true.  I'm a married woman.  I can't be
doing things like this.  But you're an unhappily married woman and
Ryan's constantly fucking someone else.  So?  That doesn't make it ok
for me to do the same thing.  I can't do this.  I just can't.

When I got home, Ryan's car was in the driveway.  I walked in the
house and found him in the living room watching some sort of
operation.

"Hi Ryan, what are you doing?"  I asked as I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"The rhinoplasty got rescheduled so I had some time to spare.  I just
got in this great video of a liposuction being done with a new less
invasive tool. It's really interesting.  Where were you?"

My heart started beating fast. "I just had lunch with a friend."  Did
he know?  Could he see it on my face?  Would he say "No you filthy
whore.  You went to lunch with him and you kissed him.  You wanted him
to fuck you."?

"That's nice. Ok well I'm going to continue watching.  I'll see you
later" he said dismissing me from the room.  I walked into the bedroom and changed my clothes.  What should I do?  I looked at the time.  It was only 3:27pm.  I really didn’t want to have to think about Brandon again.   I wanted to forget that kiss, the way he held me.  I decided I was going to do some spring cleaning.  Why not?  The basement needed to be rearranged and I had  nothing better to do.  I put my hair up in a pony tail and I went downstairs.  The basement was cool, almost a little cold.  I reached over my head and I pulled the light on.  I looked around and there were a ton of boxes everywhere.  Some of them were neatly stacked in the corner, others were just scattered around.  I walked up to some of the boxes that were just in the middle of the basement and I pushed them against the wall.   I turned to my right and I found a box that was spilling over.  I bent down to clean it up.  As I looked inside I realized that it was a box of my old things from when I was a teenager.  I sat on the floor and started going through it.

One of the things that caught my eyes as a plastic see through box.  I pulled it out and blew some off the dust off.  There was a flower inside.  Carefully, I opened the box and noticed there was some writing on the ribbon.  It read To my gorgeous Jess –B It was a flower Brandon had given me on our first official date.

He broke away from the kiss and looked straight into my eyes.  I didn’t want him to stop, but I had just met him.  He smiled sweetly.  And then leaned in and kissed me again.  He pushed me hard against the wall, the bricks jabbing at my back.  But I didn’t care.  He kissed my neck and started to put his hand in my sweater, when I stopped him.

“Whoa wait a second” I said.  “I just met you.  Look, Brandon, I don’t even know how or why I let you kiss me, but I’m not like that.  I just met you.”

“I know your not.  But I think you’re gorgeous and there’s just something about you.  I was shoved into your life twice today.  I think that means something. I’m not about to go and ruin this for just a one night stand.  Let me take you out tomorrow.   A real date.  An official date.  Can we do that?”

I just looked at him for a moment. “Of course we can.  I’d love to.”

“Great!” he said.  “Why don’t I walk you home?” he asked.  “I’m a bit tired and I’m really looking forward to tomorrow.”

“You can walk me to my car.  I drove here.”

“Sounds good.”  We started walking.  “So tell me about yourself.”  He said.

“Well, let me think.  I’m 22, I’ve lived in Boston my whole life and I live with my mom.  Not much of a story there, but that’s it.  What about you?”

“I’m 24.  I’ve also been in Boston all my life.  But I’m thinking about moving soon.  I want to do something in films, not quite sure what though.”

“That’s interesting.”  I said.  Then there was silence.  Fortunatly we were at my car.  “Thanks for walkin’ me” I said.  I unlocked my car and I got in.

“Write down your number for me?”  he asked.  I grabbed a pen from my glove compartment and wrote it on his hand.

“Night.” I said.  He poked his head in through my window and kissed me goodnight.

“Night.” He answered and walked away.

I drove home that night feeling really happy, excited about life. I kept thinking about how crazy that day had been…it really seemed like it was a long week.


I got home and went straight to bed. I wanted the night to be over so that I would be able to see him again, to feel him again, to breathe him again.  I started reliving that night.  How foward of him to kiss me like that.  But then again, how did he know that I would respond the way i did?  How did he assume that I would go with him just like that?  How did he....i drifted to sleep.  i was so tired.  So much had gone on that day.


I woke up pretty late the next morning.  It was one of those days where you just naturally wake yourself up.  It felt pretty good.  I sat up on the bed and let out a big yawn. As I yawned I looked at the clock.  12:54pm.  No wonder I felt so good.  I had missed half the day.  No reason to be in a hurry now.  I took a shower, changed into some black jeans, a black t-shirt and some boots.  I went to my desk and turned on my computer.  Checked my email.  Nothing new.  I went back to the bathroom and brushed my hair.  My hair was getting pretty long now.   It was past my shoulders.  That's the longest I'd had it in a while.  I looked at my face and was unhappy with what I saw.  So i put some makeup on.  Not too much, but just enough.  I